Mourning Europe

By now we all know that more people have died in terrorist attacks in cities other than Paris and we have been encouraged by fair-minded people to consider all victims of terrorist attacks with equal amounts of sympathy and anger as do those in Paris. However, I feel we shouldn't dismiss the uniqueness of the Parisian attacks. There is more shock at the attacks in Paris because it is a famous city in a European country and European countries are, without a doubt, safe. The whole world stood with Paris because Paris is important, culturally, historically and globally. And by virtue of being part of the Western world. People dream of travelling to Paris. Paris is romantic and elegant. And white people are more important than any shade of brown. The Sydney Opera House in Australia lit up the colours of the French flag as did many other monuments around the globe, people changed their Facebook profile pictures and #JeSuisParisien was trending but when is such solidarity shown other than for Western countries?

Source: The Wall Street Journal, http://www.wsj.com/articles/buildings-around-the-world-light-up-in-frances-colors-1447500908, accessed 23/12/2015

Egypt, though not having a perfect record with terrorism in any sense, showed solidarity regardless of political alliances by remembering Lebanon, Russia and France at the same time. The Pyramids, being an ancient historical landmark, makes this display particularly poignant as it reminds us that we all have the same origins, we are human beings and all of our suffering is relevant. 

So why then has the British government has voted to bomb another city full of people simply trying to enjoy their lives, in another country full of history and culture? As I watched the debate and the results of the vote come to light, I felt sick. It was as if everyone who had voted for airstrikes on Raqqa, Syria, was more concerned with Britain's image than the lives of others and eventually ourselves. Some say it is the only choice we have against the threat of Daesh, but there is not clear path to conquering them. London has been attacked before, Paris has been attacked twice in one year, how can we be sure that there will be no repercussions? If we are more civilized than other nations, why can't we think of a better way to interact with them? We know that civilian lives, people's lives, will be lost. At the same time as the European* refugee crisis which is angering so many nationalists, racists and xenophobes across the continent, how can we justify creating more? Will these people thank us for saving them or will they see us as the enemy of peace and fight against us? 

Source: egyptianstreets.com, http://egyptianstreets.com/2015/11/16/egypts-pyramids-light-up-with-flags-of-france-lebanon-and-russia/, accessed 23/12/2015

We still regard other parts of the world as barbaric. We judge them more harshly than Western countries because they're 'less developed'. Their human rights abuses are shocking and disgusting (when there's nothing to be gained from them), but ours are either justified or individual mistakes. This has to change. I think it's time for the West to reflect on its actions and accept responsbility for the lack of compassion its citizens have for citizens of other nations. Muslim girls (i.e. children) and women are being attacked on the street for wearing hijab i.e. for dressing in the way they are comfortable. Even looking like a Muslim (whatever that means) is dangerous. Brown families feel unsafe just because of the colour of their skin. I say again MUSLIMS ARE NOT TERRORISTS. Extremist interpretations of any religion can lead to terrorist acts. Your fellow people are not your enemies

If the Iraq war was a 'mistake', then why repeat it and kill thousands more for the sake of self-image? We are meant to be a democratic nation, one which values the lives and rights of all others and promotes peace. Democratic countries do not fight each other, not because of our values but because it would look bad. Yes, taking in refugees is expensive, so why not afford them the same rights as citizens to allow them to contribute to the economy? War is expensive, but apparently it is also profitable whereas compassion for other human beings is not. How many more Aylans need to drown before Western countries act?

*I specifically say European here because there have been millions of displaced in other regions of the world but their plight is largely ignored by the mass media.

Tis The Season to be Exhausted Falalafucklalala

Totally in the Christmas spirit as you can see.

As of yet I haven't bought my mum a Christmas present (I don't think she reads this, God help me if she does) and my brother's is on hold because I'm helping him out with his car insurance (yeah, I'm the best big sister ever.) My aunties have the same presents and I know they're gonna discuss it and I'm gonna be the worst niece ever but I got my cousin something she'll love (no giveaways) and I bought that in September so I have something to be proud of!

Aside from presents I'm working non-stop until Christmas Eve which is going to make Christmas Day excruciating as I'll want it to be a rest day but it's the most wonderful time of the year! No? Picking family members up, entertaining them and then dropping them home is going to be anxiety-inducing and just plain tiring but hey-ho at least I expect it. Boxing Day is more family time and I'll be avoiding the shops with such determined passion it'll be like I hate capitalism or something! :D

I have a week off where I'm gonna try and catch my friends who are back from Canada and Spain (but not Nigeria) before working again and then packing for my Spanish au pair experience woop woop! I just feel like everyone wants a piece of me and I have nothing to give. Honestly I need to do some serious planning, pacing and sleeping for that to go well. Life is going good at the moment and I'd like it to stay that way. Also got to remember to lay off the sugar as my energy dips but that's one of my biggest weaknesses! (Tip: Regularly drinking green tea reduces bloating!)

Also my kitten is really demanding at the moment it's a bit weird idk.

So to everyone, look out for your exhausted friends and family members, and spare a thought for those who can't keep up whether it's financially, physically or emotionally.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all, though I may or may not see you before then.

Love and hugs xxx

First Review: Caitlin Moran's "How To Build A Girl"

So this is my first book review since I was what... 14?

Libraries are pretty awesome for books

I picked up How To Build A Girl because it was staring at me every time I went to the library. Seriously, the bright green cover, the ripped tights and the chunky army boots were irresistible to my inner rebel. I was horrified reading the blurb though and read it at least 3 times before I calmed down and realised the protagonist didn't actually kill themselves, just changed who they were, like most teenagers. This isn't a spoiler btw, the blurb gives away as much. I don't think I could've read the book when I did if it was about suicide, like Eric Lange's Butter, which I recommend but won't review, just because the story touched me so much and I'm not ready to connect with all the emotions I felt. (Yeah, I'm super sensitive, especially when a book is well-written.)

Rating

7/10

Good Points 

• The characters were really vivid and believable for the most part. I got so annoyed by Johanna's dad and wished her mum would get some proper support with her depression. I also felt the hunger when they ran out of money and were eating the least satisfying meals imaginable. The family felt really close-knit even though their situation was pretty abysmal, which was refreshing. Also with the characters feeling so real it was easy to understand Johanna/Dolly's relationships with them, which I feel made the book more enjoyable. Her attachments to certain guys were particularly raw, though not too dark.

• The plot was awesome, it went from a kind of suspense thriller to a coming of age novel, really smoothly. You saw coming the point where Johanna would have to grow up, but you didn't know exactly when it would come. 

• The setting was perfect. I really enjoyed the fact that Johanna came from a place I knew nothing about, apart from that it's somewhere up north, and that made her see London with these fresh eager eyes that Londoners don't see London with. 

Not As Good Points

• I wasn't quite ready for Johanna's sexual liberation but this might be more of a reflection on me. Teens are curious at that age whether we as a society want to acknowledge it properly or not. Still, it's there *bam!* first page a 14 year old is masturbating. Okay, *cringe* maybe I shouldn't be reading this on a packed train to Brighton? (Where incidentally, Caitlin is from)

• There's a sentence that says something about hip hop being scary. I don't know if hip hop did used to be scary to teenage white girls but I just didn't like it. I listen to lots of genres of music, sometimes alternative RnB, sometimes rock, sometimes indie, sometimes hip hop. I felt as if me and the character were from different worlds at that point, and didn't see the need for the comparison. But maybe that's the point, Joanna was unique as much as she was relatable.

• Also didn't feel the book needed to be as long as it was, just felt like nothing was happening for a while or events were dragged on. I could also be being impatient. I'm the kind of person who reads a few of the first pages then skips to the end to make sure everything is okay, before returning to the beginning!

Overall

One tip would be to research the musicians and bands mentioned as you go along. I have no idea if they're real or not and I can't remember their names or whether they sounded familiar. Other than that the book is easy to follow and I would definitely recommend reading it. It's funny (seriously, I guarantee you'll laugh), shocking, feminist and memorable.

Nearly there

I'm almost ready to publish my first book review!

I'd love for you guys to get involved, give me feedback on what I've written and let me know what you think of the book!

I'm also planning to write a piece on the recent attacks in Paris and the general state of the world, biased Western media and disregard for black and brown lives.

Until then, my thoughts are with victims of terror globally. Peace be with you all.

Kisses,
Antonia

(Image from: http://uthmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/o-STACK-OF-BOOKS-facebook.jpg)

Chronic Fatigue is Chronic

Well today was fun.

I had zero energy and dragged myself into work (late of course), then proceeded to interact with customers like I cared and colleagues trying not to bring the mood down. I like where I work, I just hate getting out of bed for it.

My moods go up and down a lot, but when I'm exhausted like I have been lately, it feels impossible to function. Standing up feels like a chore, as does sitting down, as does anything except being horizontal, somewhere soft. Even trying to get to sleep is draining, I'm often in pain and in the silence and darkness that I need to get to sleep, nothing can distract me from the sort of low, menacing throb in my bones.

Still, I can be a little bit proud of myself as I went to the gym after work and walked home. I felt immediately better after my work out, despite being a sweaty mess, and the only downside was that the gym was pretty busy so I didn't feel confident enough doing my stretches down there and went somewhere private. Silly really, but that's what my mind does sometimes.

Right now I'm absolutely exhausted again. The endorphins must have worn off but I guess it doesn't help being in bed. Being tired all the time is such a Catch 22, sometimes it feels like I'll never escape it and nothing will make me feel any better. But I'm hoping this is just a bad patch after overdoing it (how idk, by living maybe) and getting multiple cold/flu things that I can't shake off. Hopefully I can keep sleeping better and my body will find the strength to function properly.

Until then it's resting bitch face, constant yawning and a lot of willpower.

Kisses,
Antonia

Storm

Calamitous whirlwind

Fierce winds attacking all that I love

Blown from a place of entitled resentment

Of fear and obsession

Of unwillingness or inability to adapt.

Catastrophic passage of time

Rapid unchangeable, unchanging

And yet unforeseen sequences

With consequences that rip souls apart

Debris covers all things

Nothing is spared.

The absolute absence of compassion

Superfluity of useless or poisonous words

Of malevolent thoughts

And ultimately nothing of any value remains:

Implosion.

We paint it with gold

With promise, desire and anticipation

Paint is no preservative

To avoid the rotting underneath.

Rot cannot be reversed

Nothing fresh springs forth anew

It can only aid something else, something more deserving

It’s time will come.

(Also published on https://essexwriterscircle.wordpress.com. I am the author of this work.)

Past.

Tortured soul

I loved you once

Purely and wholly

Your sorrow destroyed me.

I love you now

Cruelly and poorly

Your distance astounding

I am to blame.

Update post!

So my blog's been quiet for a while. Tthought I'd break the silence...

I spent my summer working two jobs so I don't have much time for anything too fun and now everyone's left for uni (which I'm really jealous of). Luckily I've decided to take a gap year so I can still do some things that'll be worth sharing. I've got to see at least one of my friends whose not been a disaster like me and managed to apply for and successfully embark on their year abroad (lookin @ you Luce) plus plans to visit Amsterdam are in the air!

 The second job was a placement with my university analysing expatriate blogs and I loved it and my supervisors so much that I'm sticking with the project until January. It's actually been such a good experience working with experienced academics, especially as they've only been encouraging and positive about the amount of effort I put in and what we've achieved. To all you freshers (and anyone who's been lazy/shy/busy with other things until this point) I definitely recommend getting behind the scenes at your uni and working with the academics who can pass on some knowledge and make you feel like uni has actually been worth it. I was working in the Business department which is outside my range of study (politics and modern languages) and it opened my eyes to some future career prospects and interests, plus I got some inside knowledge of what it's like to be an expat (which if all goes well I should be!) If you wanna hear any more about it drop me a comment 😁

I'm gonna spend my gap year working, reading and resting which doesn't sound very interesting but it will be! Reasons are as follows:
•I might work in Spain as an au pair (if I pluck up the courage)
a've read so many good books lately that I'm going to start writing reviews because you need to read them too!
•Rest includes self-care so if I do my nails really nicely one time I might show you 😌
•I also got this adorable kitten who is basically my life now (if you've got me in Snapchat you know!) so expect a catlady post soon (meow)
•Planning to get rich with a couple of poetry competitions (£1000 first prize... yes please)  so I'll actually be actively writing and looking for inspiration

Thanks to everyone who encourages me with my blog and the rest of my life tbh and I'll see you all soon 💜

This song gets me

Absolutely love The xx though I probably need to find out more about them.

Better with headphones so you get the amazing harmonies and guitar.

I always chill out to this song, it's kind of haunting.

Enjoy!

Chronic Fatigue

This is a post for me to write and even if I publish it I may not promote it. Having a chronic condition is not only debilitating but extremely personal. I'm lucky in a sense because my symptoms are mild and sometimes I can forget I'm ill at all. I've also been able to achieve some things that anyone would be proud of. Hopefully you can gain some kind of understanding of this condition and other invisible disabilities.

*TW: suicidal thoughts*

I have chronic fatigue syndrome or myalgic encephalomyelitis (not that I ever bother trying to remember that) and I hate it. It's also called CFS or ME (which is confusing for so many reasons and is definitely not MS) and I usually alternate between calling it chronic fatigue and ME.

What is it?

Before I explain why I hate it, I'd better explain what it actually is. Simply, it's a condition where you're constantly exhausted and you are not refreshed by sleep (sleep doesn't make me feel any less tired, let that sink in for a second). That means it's not a case of needing a nap (a lot of the time they just make me feel worse, in fact I struggle to get to sleep in the first place) but it's a chronic condition that leaves me feeling drained... permanently. There are also other symptoms like muscle aches, headaches and migraines, photo-sensitivity, memory loss, poor concentration and a whole host of other symptoms which you can read about here.

There is also no cure. No cure for a disease that makes me feel like an old woman at 20 (and has done since 16). The summer after GCSEs I started to become really tired all the time, taking frequent naps which was completely out of character for me so that's when we say the symptoms started to manifest.

It's way more than sleep!

I struggle with it for a lot of reasons. It's been hard to separate the ME from me and who I am because having a chronic condition creates a new you. My moods are different, my levels of tolerance for things that annoy me are different, I can't concentrate on anything like I used to (and that makes it really hard just to watch a movie with your friend). I have anxiety and depression from it which makes things like social interaction and going to work really hard (not great when you're a university student with no financial safety-net). I over-think everything and quite often have suicidal thoughts (though not intentions) when I'm feeling low. My immune system is also shit so colds linger which really doesn't make me any more productive.

I try to be sociable, friendly and approachable and I feel I struggle with that too. Some days I have energy and I tend to overcompensate for the days when I didn't, which can make me seem hyper, clingy, desperate and probably really annoying (I even slapped a guy in the face once, banter gone hella wrong). I find I'm always apologising for my bad temper, some of which needs more mindfulness on my part and a significant amount which comes from being too tired to function, let alone consider other people's feelings. I've clashed with my whole family over it, from falling behind with chores, to visiting my grandparents, to taking a gap year. Yet they've still been an amazing support, as have the friends who understand me, or just like me for who I am.

It makes it hard for me to see the kind of future I want for myself as attainable. How can be expected to work a full-time job? I worry about every trip I make and have to plan ahead to ensure I'll have enough energy for it. It makes it so that I want to go home early or stay another night at a friend's because I can't face the long journey home. Travelling wears me out, cooking, working, doing nothing, let alone exercise (I was lucky before but now I've started putting on a ton of weight). Symptoms are worse on bad days and I've become better at managing them, along with finding a medication which works for me, for the most part. I've also gotten a bit better at self-love, though pacing is still quite hard.

Over to you...

That's it for now though. CFS is like... my whole life, so I'll definitely have more to say about it. Leave your comments with your own experiences and any questions below, if you want to.

You can learn about how hard it is to ration energy when you're trying to lead a normal life here (Christine Miserandino's Spoon Theory).

Everyday Feminism has some great insight into invisible disabilities here. The first article is so relatable for me and must be for so many other people!

Thanks for reading!

When it's easier to be a feminist in winter

Sun on my skin,

Wind through my hair

💁🏾☀️💨

Forgot to shave my underarms...

Fuck.

Depression

Hey :)

I haven’t written anything for a while and I should’ve, but better late than never.

The title's kinda to the point, right?

This is just something to describe part of my experience with depression. I don’t really know why I’m sharing it… I guess I just want to be honest. It’s hardly a stunning piece of literature either but hopefully it at least makes sense. Maybe it’ll help someone, that’d be great too.

Final but important note:

I use words like ‘psycho’ and ‘crazy’ just because this is how I see myself sometimes. It’s not nice to call people these kinds of things, even if they use these words themselves. You just don’t really have the right to do it, and I’m telling you it does not make a person feel good.

I can only reflect my experience in my life with my perspective. I can't and don't represent every depressed person ever. Everyone's experience is unique, although some parts can be similar, and I'm luckier than a lot of people who have endured much worse with much less support than I have. 

Self-titled psycho and proven true

But just take care of me, baby

I only want things my way.

Who knew I could be that crazy?

Do you love me?

Of course not.

There’s not much left to love.

DEPRESSION. Depression.

That’s the heavy weight on my chest

Which keeps me from hauling my sorry self out of bed

That’s when nights are long

And sleep is not your friend

And you are not your friend

And some friends are less than friends, for the moment

Brushing my teeth is an achievement

And making breakfast (at 2pm, granted)

An achievement just the same.

It’s… feeling hunger but everything is just too…

Salty. Greasy. Sweet. Sour. Bland. Dry. Soggy.

Even your favourites can’t satisfy you…

Even 3 takeaway pizzas that you can’t afford!

Because it’s all the same grey lump that goes round and round in your mouth

Until you’ve chewed it small enough to swallow

(If you can be bothered)

What an ordeal!

Happy?

The high mood

The I love everything and everyone and I could do anything and everything and today will be the day that everything gets better and all my demons are slain because I never wanted to be depressed anyway!

POSITIVITY, DARLING!

C

    r   

       a 

           s

              h

(It’s quicker than that really

And heavier)

Sadness takes over, inevitably.

It’s your eyes threatening to leak with every breath...

Only threatening though,

Because you ran out of authentic tears a long time ago

You retreat from the world to ‘sob’

(The world’s no place for you anyway.)

And ‘sob’ because your body kind of does the actions,

And kind of makes the noises,

But there’s no relief -

Anything remains too much.

You need to escape but you can’t,

There is no respite.

Morning breaks and so does your spirit,

You’re scared,

(Because) You’re crazy,

Depression.

Congrats for getting all the way to the end! Thoughts? Comment below:

Love Poem of Sorts

When I was a little girl I used to wonder why songs were always about love. I think I know now...

It’s because love is incredible,

In many ways:

It can make you happy,

It can feel like magic

But somehow it’s real.

It can make dreams come true

And every bad thing in the world

Irrelevant.

It can make every bad thing in the world

Something you can triumph over… together.

And before you know it,

Love has taken over your life

You live love, you live through your love and you love…

You  love  your  love.

You’re glowing

You finally feel alive

You're savouring every moment

But love is not perfect

Love is not impenetrable

Love is more than want or hope

Love is doing

Love is actively doing and actively loving

Love suffers with unhappiness

And when the unhappiness grows to a point where 
It is more visible than the love

The  love  begins  to  die

It can be dying before you realise, before you realise how much you needed it

How much it meant to you

What you wanted to build with it

And before long, once the unhappiness morphs into destruction

The love dies. 

Dead. 

A thing of the past

One of you may try to revive it

But while the other is ready to bury it, this won’t happen

And as much as you want to tear the shovel from his hands

He will not let go (of it).

You waste time

You waste energy

If anything, you make him dig with increased urgency

Breaking the earth until there’s nothing left to stand on

Just a deep, dark hole to Hell

Why?

There are no definite answers

But in this moment 

Your despair and desperation scares him

And even the memories of your love become

Warped.

It was good then

It is bitter now

You want it to be good again

It might

But in this moment

You cannot mourn the love

There is no time for that, life keeps going

The clock keeps ticking

And the world keeps turning

It is a privilege to experience true love

You were lucky

Now you’re back in the real world

Some people will be lucky 

And you will not envy them because you’ve been lucky

And will be lucky again.

Love comes in many forms

Love comes when it’s ready, not when you are

As you know

Because the love you had knocked you off your feet

(It carried you, you flew with it)

Time to stand up again.

A Poem of Sorts by Antonia Francis, 1st Jan 2015