***Moving My Blog to WordPress***

Hey everyone,

Just a quick update as it seems as if I haven´t been posting regularly but I totally have (well kinda).

I´ve decided to move my blog to WordPress for the time being, as Google have deleted the Blogger app from the App Store and I can´t get it on my Kindle either. So, seeing as I don´t want to rely on a computer to post blogs (what is this, 2001?), my blog will be in a different place from now on.

Here´s the link: SHINY NEW BLOG

You can get there latest au pair experience post there.

I´m super disappointed with Google because I love this platform and I´ve worked hard on my blog, but I´d rather write somewhere else than nowhere at all.

It´s been fun,
Antonia xxx

P.S. pls follow my WordPress blog, thanks!

Reading and Love Lessons from 'God Help the Child'

In a bid to escape everything I'm worrying about, I'm trying to read.

So I googled some books to read in your twenties, seeing as teen books are a bit hit and miss with me and I'm not ready to read about the monotony of marriage, and I've found a few that are interesting to me.

I'm starting with The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenides which is so good already. The vocabulary has me a bit stumped but I'm especially enjoying it because of this. It's set at university which is already helping me to look forward to studying in Spain a little more (going back to uni is kinda daunting atm) and they're talking about places mentioned in Gossip Girl (which I love) like Brown University and the Upper East Side. It's all very exciting. I'm not sure I'll review it though. I feel like I'm in over my head with a lot of these novels. Like, I used to be smart but maybe I benefited from being in small schools with teachers that liked to focus on 'bright' pupils.

You can click this link for my book list so far http://scribbless.com/lists/list/315117

If you wanna keep reading this post, I'm gonna share an unfinished book review with you of an amazing novel I read. I couldn't finish the review for a number of reasons, (including the fact that the book is harrowing and Toni Morrison is such a phenomenal author) so forgive me if it's not up to scratch.

 

Love Lessons from Toni Morrison's 'God Help the Child' (A Review)

I really don't want to upset anyone so pay attention to the following trigger warnings.
TW: Abuse, sexual abuse, violence, racism

I'm not going to pretend this book was easy to read. It definitely wasn't and at times, I got confused at the point of it. It painfully discusses racism, colourism (the specific prejudice against darker skinned people within communities, like this Brazilian beauty queen, Nayara Justina) child sexual abuse and tumultuous upbringings. Many of the characters had been subjected to sexual abuse as children which was often written about in a way that surprised me, not exactly casual, but in a bored way like it was so common there was no build up or hesitation after a while. Like, 'This is what happened and this is why I'm fucked up now'. (This is not to say victims of abuse are a monolith, with the right support many recover well, the book just highlights how events in our childhoods can affect us in adulthood in ways we don't even realise as well as ones we emphasise).

So why did I even pick up such a heavy book? (Heavy as in difficult subject, not weight, the version I read was an eBook.) Well, I wanted to read a book by a black author and this book had a dark-skinned black woman on the cover so I thought it would be perfect.

It didn't quite work out like that.

I was repulsed by the colourism on the opening pages and the way the protagonist, Bride (Lula Ann), was treated awfully because of her "ugliness" by her lighter-skinned mother. Oddly (but rightly), Bride grew up to be considered absolutely stunning by everyone around her and she learnt how to use this to her advantage, but this didn't save her, which made the book heartbreakingly realistic.

The Love Lessons <3

• I learnt that there's lots of different types of love, degrees of love and that everyone thinks that their way of giving it is the best they could do, at least at the time
• Humans are strange. They treat other people how they think they'd like to be treated themselves but often it's the exact opposite
• Love is hard (maybe already knew that one)
• Time doesn't really heal. It just lets you move on, if you're equipped to

I'd recommend the book anyway, don't be scared or put off by anything I've said because the story, the twist and the impression the book leaves on you is immense and totally worth it. I'll definitely be reading more Toni Morrison books, one of them is recommended on my book list. Hopefully some of the other books I read will be just as valuable but a bit happier. I'll you know! Until next time, Antonia xx

Changing and Staying the Same

Hey guys,

Finally I'm feeling a bit more like I'm in the real world.

A lot of things are going round my head, mainly:

• Going to Spain
• Coming home
• Going to Spain again
• Going to uni
• Seeing people I haven't seen in a while
• Speaking to people I haven't seen in a while
• Work!

I used bullet points because all these things are in no particular order. They're all taking up the same amount of room in my head and it's hard to navigate each day when I'm counting down to the next event.

That's how I know I'm burnt out.

https://bornfreeexpress.files.wordpress.com/2015/05/anigif_enhanced-buzz-17302-1386183703-41.gif

For some reason this is a surprise for me, even though it's probably the most inevitable thing in my little life. I've not given myself a proper break, real solitude or spent a day doing nothing, which is what I need to recover from being busy. I'd be bored if I wasn't doing what I was doing, but I need to get back into my self-management routine ASAP Rocky.

Instead I'm working because you know, real life, and trying to sort out the mountains of junk I own (7 black eyeliners... really?!)

Changes:

• Cut off all my hair (you'll have to go to Instagram to see). Good because all positive responses, no more broken hair and minimal fuss in the morning
• Bobbi is sooo antisocial omg half the time I don't even know where she is. Growing up I guess.
• I'm trying to get rid off my stuff so here's a link if you want to buy anything (good to excellent condition, I swear) buy stuff pls

Sames:

• Everything? It's kind of the best and worst thing about being home

I'll have another blog post for you soon. I've been eating some of the food I brought back from Spain which is getting me in the mood for a long-awaited food post and I just registered my brother to vote in the EU referendum so I might actually have to come up for some reasons for us staying in.

Anyway, hope you're all splendid! Until next time xxx

Amsterdam! 3

How can 10 days feel like 3 also feel like 30? 

People. People creep into your life and make your experiences seem important and give you something to miss besides canals and ham and cheese toasties. 

I met some cooooool people in Amsterdam, well Noordwijk some town like 30 miles away and even though I didn't visit half the stuff I thought I would, my bank account is empty and I need to be in a bath for about 12 years, I don't regret the holiday. 

I'm scared this post is gonna get super emotional haha. I don't want it to be but I also didn't want to make any kind of relationship with anyone else at the start of my gap year. But I've laughed so much with a bunch of crazy strangers that that wish seems a bit silly now. And so many of my friends and family back home have been messaging me that even though I feel a bit disconnected to the world, I'm definitely still part of it. 

I dunno, it was just a holiday and it's not that brave to go to a city where everyone speaks English and the climate and culture really similar, but it was brave for me.

1. For one I travelled with a friend who is the chalk to my cheese half the time and the light of my life the next. Our physical, mental and audible space sharing wasn't without its problems (she sings as she walks for example) but she was also the best person to be with because she's smart, lovely, friendly and up for a laugh. When she's not eternally "resting"... 

2. We were in the first hostel for 3 days and didn't really notice the people coming and going, though we were friendly with some girls in our dorm. When you stay at a hostel for a week you actually have to see the same faces for a while and people notice that you're there, especially if the hostel is the main hang out, so you have to be nice and chatty and stuff and this meant occasionally being called "soooo rude" because people don't understand the charm of Princess Antonia. ;)

3. I always showered first except one day where my mate actually got her lazy arse out of bed before me. 

4. You had to travel for at least half an hour to buy weed.

That's it really. I'm gonna get a lot of questions and curiosity about my holiday but it was just like hanging out with some friends in a pretty town for a few days. Going back to work shouldn't be tooooo hard but it's gonna be different actually having to socialise before 10:15 (this is when I went down for breakfast because it finished at 10:30).

Here are some pictures of human beings:

And other stuff:

Peace xxx

Amsterdam! 2

Changing hostels has been refreshing. This one is super chilled and friendly in general. It's outside of Amsterdam but the atmosphere is really social in here. Our roommates are rubbish though. A couple that treated my mate to nasty hostel sex last night but lucky I didn't go to bed as early. They're super unfriendly too omg, luckily the communal area is super chill and fun to hang out in. 

So yeah everyone in this little seaside town has just been open and chatty mainly, it's just a shame there's not as much going on as in Amsterdam. I'm still undecided on city vs rural life, but I can matinee getting bored without the quirks of the city. 

I had my first nightmare for a while last night. Apart from a few low moods, nothing seemed very problematic health wise. But if these continue I'm really gonna struggle. The vividness makes it hard to have a normal day.

Anyway, here's the Rijks Museum from Thursday:

It's a shame that it's the only museum we've been to so far and I'm not sure if it's worth the 17.50€ but they do have some beautiful collections. The fashion was so interesting for me, the beautiful evening gowns that made everyone look like a princess and my first taste of the catwalk!

There was also this interesting piece on the standards of beauty that are and have been imposed on children. I've always found it strange how children dress like small adults but that's the way it's always been, at least in this region. 

More on this holiday soon xxx

Amsterdam!

Mentions of sex and drugs, you've been warned.
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This is my second holiday this year, I finally made it to Amsterdam!

Time at home flew by and I actually feel bad because my mum's told me that my kitten is very confused with my whirlwind appearance. My family can cope without me though.

I'm a bit tired, or stoned, I dunno but before I left I was exhausted. I barely thought I'd make it to the bus stop, let alone the airport (thanks mum for carrying my stuff). But here I am, in the city of coffeeshops, sex workers and bikes.

I'm here for ten days with a good friend of mine from uni. We're staying in two different hostels, the one we're staying in now in the centre of the city and another outside of Amsterdam, in Noordwijk, by the beach. It's gonna be such a struggle getting there! The stairs in this hostel are a death trap, super slim and extremely steep. Walking up and down them is hard enough, let alone lugging massive suitcases with you. We're staying in a dorm with 18 other people, but as awful as it sounds (at least to a princess like me), getting a shower wasn't a big deal and if you bring earplugs and have a little spliff beforehand, you sleep like a baby through pre drinks, snoring and possible nasty hostel sex. Literally, I'm so scared of some of my roommates hooking up, everyone's told me to expect it but I just don't want to.

First Day

Anyway, the first day was a bit of a shambles, packing the morning before flying, my hair an absolute state *cringe* and doing my eyebrows on the train. After a short flight delay, we got to Amsterdam and found our way to the hostel. I'd printed out the map but my friend had to help me to actually read it because I'm sooooo bad at deciphering directions. Then we found a coffeeshop, smoked two different types of weed then crossed the road to a bar for dinner, expertly dodging the trams and bikes. I will never everrrrr go to a restaurant that stoned again, it was kind of embarrassing staring at each other and giggling! The atmosphere in the dessert shop was different though and I ended up speaking Spanish with the waitress (no idea why tbh) and after a huge slice of caramel apple cake it was time for bed.

The Northern girls having pre drinks were super sweet and asked me if I could sleep. I did hear their cringey Ja Rule renditions, but all in all it was fine.

Second Day

Another shambles. Mainly because of my friend (@x_lolitaa on Twitter). Was brave enough to ask the people in the beds next to our if they speak Catalan and showed off my amazing Catanish skills. They were impressed by 'jo no puc hablar catala' (my attempt at 'I can't speak Catalan in Catalan mixed with Spanish) and had even heard of Balaguer, but I dunno if we're gonna be friends.

I did make friends with a Peruvian woman though and she showed us where the supermarket was. We spoke Spanglish because why not? Also my friend gave up on Spanish after one year at uni (Que pena!)

So we found the Apple Store, my friend spent €280 on a replacement iPhone and I've bought some straighteners because of my birds' nest hair. 

We might go to a Sex Show later, the Northern girls went yesterday and all but one loved it so we're planning to make the most of Amsterdam's open culture.

Until next time,

Europe's Traveling Princess,

Antonia xxxxx 

Au Pair Experience: Balaguer to London

Hey guys,

Everything's a bit of a mess right now. I wrote this when I was in England before I came to The Netherlands. Let's pretend I'm still there and my cat's not getting confused by my whirlwind appearances and frequent absences (poor baby). 

So, no one's as confused with my travel plans as I am, but I do manage to know where I am at any given time. Right now I'm in England and on Monday I'm going to Amsterdam with a super cool friend I have from uni. As much I'm looking forward to it I do admit it might've been better a bit later, once I'd settled in and unpacked my suitcase. That being said, I've done quite well considering the abundance of *things* I have and just need to sort out my hand luggage. 

Anyway, my last few days in Balaguer feel like a bit of a blur. They're not my last days ever so maybe I wasn't soaking up every moment, but some nice things did happen.

For example, me and my 3 girlfriends went out for drinks and drinks turned into cakes, or in NAP's case, a giant cookie with a teeny glass of hot milk (LOL). 

I felt a bit emotional by the end, I knew I was going to miss them a lot. But the time I'm spending at home is going really quickly.

I'm already missing my mini-me like crazy:

And my little wind-up merchant who I adore: 

Ah ;( I've sent them a postcard, and my German pen pal who I nearly forgot about ~~ but I hope we can speak on Skype soon. 

The girls sent me this:

and went on a mini break to Barcelona together (jel) and it's making me disappointed that I'll only go back to Balaguer for a month. I wasn't really ready for making close connections and bonding but it's been a really fun and important experience so I'm really glad it's happened. 

Where did we go this weekend? (Au Pair Experience)

So I was writing this post last week but life happened and I didn't finish it until now... Oops

Here are some pictures from our trip to Tarragona, Salou and Cambrils! Salou is actually really lovely without all the drunk tourists, quiet and serene. The pictures are a bit mixed up but it's all pretty so enjoy!

Cambrils

Tarragona

Au Pair Experience: Double Trouble!

Hi hi hi hi hi guys!

Ladies receive roses and gentlemen receive 

books on San Jordi. Picture from J. Á. M., El País Catalunya,

¿Dónde firma mi autor favorito el Día de Sant Jordi?, 21/04/2012, http://ccaa.elpais.com/ccaa/2012/04/
19/catalunya/1334866129_718542.html,accessed 6/03/2016

So this is your proper fun update because everything I´m going to talk about is good, except the fact that I´m leaving in a few days! However, I´m set to return before San Jordi. It´s a very big tradition in Cataluyna and as much as it pains me to say that I´d rather spend Saint George´s day in Cataluyna than England, it´s true. In England you just see English flags waving about and yobs shouting at PoC to go back to where they came from, because apparently it offends us to see the English flag. It´s a mess. Rather get some roses and a book! 

Life has included a lot of food (and beer) lately which has been delicious but I just about fit into any of the less loose clothes I have, so I may start having to skip the flan (so sad, so sad). So, last Friday night we had pintxos, like I´d had with my family in Barcelona, and they were seriously good. The restaurant was cute too with a really friendly waiter (who knew the family well) and a cool mosaic of Balaguer going across the whole wall. I stared at it for so long because it´s so detailed.

The next time I went I wasn´t so transfixed by what I saw, so I took a selfie with the two out of three friends I have here and tried not be disappointed that the fried fish tasted like...fried death.

Last week when I suggested to these two that we go to the
exact same restaurant I´d been to the night before, because the 
food was luuuush and then it turned out not to be quite as good

In addition to great food, there´s also an awesome new au pair in town! (We´ll call her NAP until she agrees that this post isn´t too embarrassing and is ready to declare her name to the world). She´s all the way from Australia and didn´t grow up in the Bush as far as I´m aware, but a farm, so she fits right in here! 

Anyway, she´s great, really bubbly and amazing with the kids, with a lot of good ideas about how to keep them occupied. Also braver than me because 

she´s only studied Spanish for one year. So all week 

we´ve been hanging out and I introduced her to the people I know here, including Irish Girl who is suuuuper funny.  I´ve shown her around town and we did a bit of the tourist thing, hence the picture on the left. On our afternoon off, we went to Lleida, the nearest city, and had a laugh there getting lost and treating ourselves to cute clothes that we weren´t sure that we needed. She´s living out of backpack and went for really specific things, ended up with about half of them, whereas I went for basically nothing and got some new boots and other things I´m just not going to talk about. The frozen yoghurt we shared was toootally worth it though, Oreo pieces, dulce de leche and strawberry omg, I´m gonna have to go again before I leave.

On Wednesday we had basketball together which was as knackering as it was fun and maybe a little embarrassing, judging by the fact that Carme saw my face while I was throwing the ball and is gonna tell the coach not to push me so hard, and the fact I didn´t get up until 12:15 on Thursday afternoon. Many baskets were missed and Carme translated everything for us English speakers (myself, Irish Girl and now NAP), which we really needed! If she´s not there one day then we´re gonna be screwed. I understand bits, sure, but I still end up the one confused about how much running we actually have to do and who to pass the ball to.

On Thursday I had a Spanish test at my school and I may or may not share the result, depending on how awful it is.

Skip to Friday night where we had a whole ton of fun and way too much pizza. Like I´ve said before, our host families are pratcially clones of each other so when the ten of us went out for dinner, we all paired up and chatted with our doppleganger, but there was a distinctly relaxed and excited family atmosphere and we all shared laughs and conversation. Everything about it was really lovely.

The restaurant itself was super cute with shelves of random things and a lot more space than I expected. From the outside it looks like a small shopfront but inside it´s Narnia.



Eventually it got pretty late and I politely asked Carme if we could leave because we´d planned to have a drink with our friends. It was no problem at all and as much as we wanted to go, we would´ve been fine spending the rest of the evenings with our host families, communicating in 3 languages (with an Italian menu), although I tried to stop the kids from teaching her things in Catalan instead of Spanish. It was so funny, the kids got a bit interested with my hair so with a few plaits as a moustache, I transformed into Antonio who works on a farm and has 13 girlfriends, including both the girls and the host mums. God, it was such a mess but it was so fun, a great end to a good week.

I´m sure while were having a drink NAP said something about how she loves me and how happy she was to have met me because I´m amazing which was so lovely of her! Haha, it was more like we both have amazing families and everything has just been incredible so far, and as negative as I can be sometimes, it´s true.

Picture by Carme, prize for best pose goes to Roger!

Until next time,
Antonia xx

*Update*

So, I definitely owe you guys an update by now and I do have a really exciting one coming, but first I need a bit of a rant. 

London Girl and Baldy are no longer going to feature on my blog. I know, so sad, but my advice to anyone who comes to a new country is to be nice to everyone, but don't be scared not to be friends with everyone. 

Why? Well sometimes, I really do look at myself and ask if I'm the problem in a lot of situations I've had. I think about my personality, what I could've done differently and if I should adapt myself to the way other people are. I try really hard to chill (kinda defeats the point, I know) and just go with it, but my personality is more of the type that likes to be in control. Sometimes, I do relinquish my control, but I might have to save that for people I actually know, not just blindly eager to make friends trust. 

One thing I try to stay away from is treating people differently when I don't know them very well. I don't really point out that we don't know each other, instead I highlight (usually with an elated screech) when we're clearly getting to know each other, like discovering you like the same music or think about things the same way. 

Anyway, I wish my blog was anonymous so I could go into more detail but alas, it isn't Girl Online (and I'm not 15). Though I was direct when confronting a strange situation, I advise you all to nip something in the bud as soon as it happens. Always be your authentic self and don't be afraid to question some people's behaviour, even if you are open and accepting (as you should be), don't accept being made to feel uncomfortable. Maybe you all knew this already but I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do from my sweet, treat everyone as you would like to be treated, Catholic upbringing. 

So, good luck to them. I'm hoping we don't come across each other again, but this is a small town and Sod's Law exists here too. 

Until I write about the fun part,

Antonia xx

Comments on how shit the British Government is

Being away from home means that I have to make a bit of an effort to engage in British news. Just a bit, I mean there´s internet here and I follow most newspapers that I read on social media, so the effort is really clicking and reading articles. Something I need to get into is keeping up with Question Time, and watching the Parlimentary debates that make me squirm with embarrassment. Honestly the jeering, avoiding the question and hearing the justifications for some of the most unfair policies is hard for a sensitive soul like me to handle.

That being said, I do actually love politics. I have no interest in being a politician, for many reasons, but mainly because I couldn´t deal with trying to be a good person and getting nowhere with it. MPs definitely have a hard job, perhaps not worth £74,000 per annum, plus expenses, plus a 1.3% pay rise that no one else in the Public Sector gets, but I for one could not deal with the public backlash to my actions, especially when I´ve tried my hardest to represent my constituents, so kudos to the ones that actually try.

This is not something I feel like our current government is doing. They´re not a true representation of what this country wants or needs and they´re so out of touch with the rest of the world, I feel embarrassed to have to claim it as my own. Our Prime Minister is particularly strong example of this and a hypocrite to boot.

So, why am I writing about this now? I remember voting for the first time in the 2015 General Election in Colchester. I hadn´t bothered to work out whether or not my vote would make much of a difference based on FPTP and the preferences of my constituency, but I was shocked that the Conservatives won, even if it was only by 7% (you can see the results for yourself here). I also remember feeling actual anxiety at the fact they´d won, knowing all the cuts that were to come. But it´s been worse than anyone could have predicted, unless you knew David Cameron was a liar from the start.

Mental Health Services

It´s like everything he says is underpinned by a cut in a services and he expects everyone to fend for themselves even while he´s cutting access to the services people need to be able to live to any kind of standard. Here´s an example from The Independent: apparently, mental health is a priority for Cameron, so he cuts already stretched services and once many people have suffered from such cuts, he makes a show of putting some money back into the system. It doesn´t work. People with mental health issues need stable services and the security of knowing that they will be able to get support when they need it. A 'mature' and 'open' approach would surely recognise that. Experts on the subject have been ignored and this stretches to other fields too, as we'll see when we talk about the next issue.

Next, I'll talk about environmental issues, student issues and equality. If you have any thoughts then don't be too shy to share. Until then!

Quick Thoughts on PoC Solidarity

You can see for yourself with the hashtag #notyourmule on Twitter. Franchesca Ramsey, of course, describes the issue in a nutshell:

It is important to be inclusive. I don't use racial slurs against other races and try my hardest to ignore the monoliths that in presented about other races. And while many non-Black PoC do address the issue of anti-Blackness (see here), others refuse to and still expect us to advocate for them.

There are so many examples of a clear lack of solidarity from other PoC except when they expect Black people to support their causes, or they speak over Black people (changing the #blacklivesmatter hashtag to whatever their race is, for example) but then treat us with the same contempt that white supremacy has told them too. 

My favourite example today was the hair shop. In the UK, Asian people (not Oriental but South Asian) own shops where we buy things for our hair such as oils, shampoos and conditioners that won't dry it out, and extensions, combs and hair pieces to create all of our amazing hairstyles. Think it's weird that Asian people own an industry that is fuelled by Black money? Well it gets worse when you realise that you're being followed around the shop as a Black person because you're silently being considered a potential thief. Or you're being offered absolutely pathetic advice on what you should buy for your hair that you have to dismiss as politely as possible. 

We know the people in the shops don't care about us or our hair - there's no such thing as good service in any of them. Of course there are some products for other ethnicities, but this is a Black experience in a shop that we specifically have had to go to for years and years to buy what we need to maintain our standards of grooming.

Anyway, it's depressing. If you want to be a real ally for Black people, remember that anti-Blackness goes further than white supremacy. After all, "there is no country in the world where it's better to be Black."

(I'm sure someone has said that last quote before me but I can't find out who it was!)