Reading and Love Lessons from 'God Help the Child'

In a bid to escape everything I'm worrying about, I'm trying to read.

So I googled some books to read in your twenties, seeing as teen books are a bit hit and miss with me and I'm not ready to read about the monotony of marriage, and I've found a few that are interesting to me.

I'm starting with The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenides which is so good already. The vocabulary has me a bit stumped but I'm especially enjoying it because of this. It's set at university which is already helping me to look forward to studying in Spain a little more (going back to uni is kinda daunting atm) and they're talking about places mentioned in Gossip Girl (which I love) like Brown University and the Upper East Side. It's all very exciting. I'm not sure I'll review it though. I feel like I'm in over my head with a lot of these novels. Like, I used to be smart but maybe I benefited from being in small schools with teachers that liked to focus on 'bright' pupils.

You can click this link for my book list so far http://scribbless.com/lists/list/315117

If you wanna keep reading this post, I'm gonna share an unfinished book review with you of an amazing novel I read. I couldn't finish the review for a number of reasons, (including the fact that the book is harrowing and Toni Morrison is such a phenomenal author) so forgive me if it's not up to scratch.

 

Love Lessons from Toni Morrison's 'God Help the Child' (A Review)

I really don't want to upset anyone so pay attention to the following trigger warnings.
TW: Abuse, sexual abuse, violence, racism

I'm not going to pretend this book was easy to read. It definitely wasn't and at times, I got confused at the point of it. It painfully discusses racism, colourism (the specific prejudice against darker skinned people within communities, like this Brazilian beauty queen, Nayara Justina) child sexual abuse and tumultuous upbringings. Many of the characters had been subjected to sexual abuse as children which was often written about in a way that surprised me, not exactly casual, but in a bored way like it was so common there was no build up or hesitation after a while. Like, 'This is what happened and this is why I'm fucked up now'. (This is not to say victims of abuse are a monolith, with the right support many recover well, the book just highlights how events in our childhoods can affect us in adulthood in ways we don't even realise as well as ones we emphasise).

So why did I even pick up such a heavy book? (Heavy as in difficult subject, not weight, the version I read was an eBook.) Well, I wanted to read a book by a black author and this book had a dark-skinned black woman on the cover so I thought it would be perfect.

It didn't quite work out like that.

I was repulsed by the colourism on the opening pages and the way the protagonist, Bride (Lula Ann), was treated awfully because of her "ugliness" by her lighter-skinned mother. Oddly (but rightly), Bride grew up to be considered absolutely stunning by everyone around her and she learnt how to use this to her advantage, but this didn't save her, which made the book heartbreakingly realistic.

The Love Lessons <3

• I learnt that there's lots of different types of love, degrees of love and that everyone thinks that their way of giving it is the best they could do, at least at the time
• Humans are strange. They treat other people how they think they'd like to be treated themselves but often it's the exact opposite
• Love is hard (maybe already knew that one)
• Time doesn't really heal. It just lets you move on, if you're equipped to

I'd recommend the book anyway, don't be scared or put off by anything I've said because the story, the twist and the impression the book leaves on you is immense and totally worth it. I'll definitely be reading more Toni Morrison books, one of them is recommended on my book list. Hopefully some of the other books I read will be just as valuable but a bit happier. I'll you know! Until next time, Antonia xx

Kitty Special!

Depression is a funny thing. It´s really hit me this week, making everything seem extra annoying or negative. I can be happy for a while, but I can´t shake the feeling of some impending doom or generally wishing I was curled up in bed, away from the world.

This is why I´m making a special kitty blog post. As you may or may not know, I have a beautiful kitten called Bobbi. She´s really made me happy since I got her and given me a reason to get up on mornings when I don´t want to. I mean, she climbs into my bed and when she´s had enough of cuddles she annoys me until I get up and feed her or play with her or basically do whatever she commands.

Because who doesn´t want to wake up next to a
grumpy cat-monster sharing your pillow?!

I have less than three weeks until I go back home and I cannot wait to see my little fluff ball! I´ve probably shown pictures of her to everyone I´ve ever met, which thinking about it may make me a little obsessed. But she´s cute (and also my pet) so it´s okay!So if you´ve missed Snapchats of her, here´s something to make up for it:

Artsy photoshoot

Eventually I convinced her to let go

Apparently watching my mum sleep

That time we left her at my dad´s and her eyes changed colour

Totally appreciates the ball I bought her in Spain

Maybe I should´ve saved this for Tumblr?

Jinx (Au Pair Experience, Día 7)

Definitely tempted fate yesterday by celebrating everything being so perfect. 

Today has been shit. Or at least I've felt shit. I've tried resting enough but nothing is enough for this stupid body of mine. I look sturdy and confident but I always have to take time to adjust. I really don't want to cry in front of my host family. I'm not a baby and I'm really not that emotionally unstable. It's just something my brain and body does to annoy me. 

Anyway school was a bit weird, I changed groups and did some weird linguistics stuff as they're preparing for an official exam that Spanish students take. So it's not a class for a foreigner at all but it should be helpful because I'll learn a lot and we study literature and practise writing. The older women asked me about a language exchange but that's all the socialising that I did in that class. I think they just did it to show off anyway because they didn't say anything after class. 

Urgh. 

Definitely having an early night tonight. And yes I've taken all my vitamins and thought happy thoughts but the depression period is inevitable 

The day ended well enough so I'm sure tomorrow will be better

Chronic Fatigue

This is a post for me to write and even if I publish it I may not promote it. Having a chronic condition is not only debilitating but extremely personal. I'm lucky in a sense because my symptoms are mild and sometimes I can forget I'm ill at all. I've also been able to achieve some things that anyone would be proud of. Hopefully you can gain some kind of understanding of this condition and other invisible disabilities.

*TW: suicidal thoughts*

I have chronic fatigue syndrome or myalgic encephalomyelitis (not that I ever bother trying to remember that) and I hate it. It's also called CFS or ME (which is confusing for so many reasons and is definitely not MS) and I usually alternate between calling it chronic fatigue and ME.

What is it?

Before I explain why I hate it, I'd better explain what it actually is. Simply, it's a condition where you're constantly exhausted and you are not refreshed by sleep (sleep doesn't make me feel any less tired, let that sink in for a second). That means it's not a case of needing a nap (a lot of the time they just make me feel worse, in fact I struggle to get to sleep in the first place) but it's a chronic condition that leaves me feeling drained... permanently. There are also other symptoms like muscle aches, headaches and migraines, photo-sensitivity, memory loss, poor concentration and a whole host of other symptoms which you can read about here.

There is also no cure. No cure for a disease that makes me feel like an old woman at 20 (and has done since 16). The summer after GCSEs I started to become really tired all the time, taking frequent naps which was completely out of character for me so that's when we say the symptoms started to manifest.

It's way more than sleep!

I struggle with it for a lot of reasons. It's been hard to separate the ME from me and who I am because having a chronic condition creates a new you. My moods are different, my levels of tolerance for things that annoy me are different, I can't concentrate on anything like I used to (and that makes it really hard just to watch a movie with your friend). I have anxiety and depression from it which makes things like social interaction and going to work really hard (not great when you're a university student with no financial safety-net). I over-think everything and quite often have suicidal thoughts (though not intentions) when I'm feeling low. My immune system is also shit so colds linger which really doesn't make me any more productive.

I try to be sociable, friendly and approachable and I feel I struggle with that too. Some days I have energy and I tend to overcompensate for the days when I didn't, which can make me seem hyper, clingy, desperate and probably really annoying (I even slapped a guy in the face once, banter gone hella wrong). I find I'm always apologising for my bad temper, some of which needs more mindfulness on my part and a significant amount which comes from being too tired to function, let alone consider other people's feelings. I've clashed with my whole family over it, from falling behind with chores, to visiting my grandparents, to taking a gap year. Yet they've still been an amazing support, as have the friends who understand me, or just like me for who I am.

It makes it hard for me to see the kind of future I want for myself as attainable. How can be expected to work a full-time job? I worry about every trip I make and have to plan ahead to ensure I'll have enough energy for it. It makes it so that I want to go home early or stay another night at a friend's because I can't face the long journey home. Travelling wears me out, cooking, working, doing nothing, let alone exercise (I was lucky before but now I've started putting on a ton of weight). Symptoms are worse on bad days and I've become better at managing them, along with finding a medication which works for me, for the most part. I've also gotten a bit better at self-love, though pacing is still quite hard.

Over to you...

That's it for now though. CFS is like... my whole life, so I'll definitely have more to say about it. Leave your comments with your own experiences and any questions below, if you want to.

You can learn about how hard it is to ration energy when you're trying to lead a normal life here (Christine Miserandino's Spoon Theory).

Everyday Feminism has some great insight into invisible disabilities here. The first article is so relatable for me and must be for so many other people!

Thanks for reading!

Depression

Hey :)

I haven’t written anything for a while and I should’ve, but better late than never.

The title's kinda to the point, right?

This is just something to describe part of my experience with depression. I don’t really know why I’m sharing it… I guess I just want to be honest. It’s hardly a stunning piece of literature either but hopefully it at least makes sense. Maybe it’ll help someone, that’d be great too.

Final but important note:

I use words like ‘psycho’ and ‘crazy’ just because this is how I see myself sometimes. It’s not nice to call people these kinds of things, even if they use these words themselves. You just don’t really have the right to do it, and I’m telling you it does not make a person feel good.

I can only reflect my experience in my life with my perspective. I can't and don't represent every depressed person ever. Everyone's experience is unique, although some parts can be similar, and I'm luckier than a lot of people who have endured much worse with much less support than I have. 

Self-titled psycho and proven true

But just take care of me, baby

I only want things my way.

Who knew I could be that crazy?

Do you love me?

Of course not.

There’s not much left to love.

DEPRESSION. Depression.

That’s the heavy weight on my chest

Which keeps me from hauling my sorry self out of bed

That’s when nights are long

And sleep is not your friend

And you are not your friend

And some friends are less than friends, for the moment

Brushing my teeth is an achievement

And making breakfast (at 2pm, granted)

An achievement just the same.

It’s… feeling hunger but everything is just too…

Salty. Greasy. Sweet. Sour. Bland. Dry. Soggy.

Even your favourites can’t satisfy you…

Even 3 takeaway pizzas that you can’t afford!

Because it’s all the same grey lump that goes round and round in your mouth

Until you’ve chewed it small enough to swallow

(If you can be bothered)

What an ordeal!

Happy?

The high mood

The I love everything and everyone and I could do anything and everything and today will be the day that everything gets better and all my demons are slain because I never wanted to be depressed anyway!

POSITIVITY, DARLING!

C

    r   

       a 

           s

              h

(It’s quicker than that really

And heavier)

Sadness takes over, inevitably.

It’s your eyes threatening to leak with every breath...

Only threatening though,

Because you ran out of authentic tears a long time ago

You retreat from the world to ‘sob’

(The world’s no place for you anyway.)

And ‘sob’ because your body kind of does the actions,

And kind of makes the noises,

But there’s no relief -

Anything remains too much.

You need to escape but you can’t,

There is no respite.

Morning breaks and so does your spirit,

You’re scared,

(Because) You’re crazy,

Depression.

Congrats for getting all the way to the end! Thoughts? Comment below: