Changing and Staying the Same

Hey guys,

Finally I'm feeling a bit more like I'm in the real world.

A lot of things are going round my head, mainly:

• Going to Spain
• Coming home
• Going to Spain again
• Going to uni
• Seeing people I haven't seen in a while
• Speaking to people I haven't seen in a while
• Work!

I used bullet points because all these things are in no particular order. They're all taking up the same amount of room in my head and it's hard to navigate each day when I'm counting down to the next event.

That's how I know I'm burnt out.

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For some reason this is a surprise for me, even though it's probably the most inevitable thing in my little life. I've not given myself a proper break, real solitude or spent a day doing nothing, which is what I need to recover from being busy. I'd be bored if I wasn't doing what I was doing, but I need to get back into my self-management routine ASAP Rocky.

Instead I'm working because you know, real life, and trying to sort out the mountains of junk I own (7 black eyeliners... really?!)

Changes:

• Cut off all my hair (you'll have to go to Instagram to see). Good because all positive responses, no more broken hair and minimal fuss in the morning
• Bobbi is sooo antisocial omg half the time I don't even know where she is. Growing up I guess.
• I'm trying to get rid off my stuff so here's a link if you want to buy anything (good to excellent condition, I swear) buy stuff pls

Sames:

• Everything? It's kind of the best and worst thing about being home

I'll have another blog post for you soon. I've been eating some of the food I brought back from Spain which is getting me in the mood for a long-awaited food post and I just registered my brother to vote in the EU referendum so I might actually have to come up for some reasons for us staying in.

Anyway, hope you're all splendid! Until next time xxx

Au Pair Experience is BACK

After my one week hiatus, I thought it might be time to update you all on what´s going on. I´m no longer counting each day because it´s been a month now and before I know it I´ll be back home. Still, blogging is not longer coming naturally to me right now, so forgive me if this post is substandard in any way. My energy is pretty spent lately because I have a social life now (and not just with MF). I saw a lot of this over the summer when I was doing my placement with the Business School analysing expatriate blogs -once you settle in to a new place the normal thing to happen is that you blog less. It might also have helped that I spent most of my free time during the week braiding my hair, but that's not the point!

So, we'll run through the week then I have a kind of "Things at Home vs Things Here" post in mind.

Saturday

This was a big night out in the city with MF and a couple of her friends. Couldn't understand one of them at alllll. Imagine someone speaking a different language with a different accent and eating every word he's saying while mumbling. It was that. The bars were fun, especially the free sweets in one and the cute girl I had the typical drunk conversation with outside the toilets. In one bar they played a darts game but I was too anxious to join in (a dart flying through the air and stabbing someone seemed an all too likely reality). Then we went to a club until 6am which was quite fun, especially as everyone was dressed up for carnival, but while MF was wooed by the Italian Stallion of her dreams, short cowboy hat guy didn't impress me so much. It was a fun night, drinks were included in the €10 entrance fee which is pretty good considering the prices in the city.

Sunday

On Sunday I was completely dead. Somehow I managed to shower and change but other than that I was toast. There was family lunch but at home and just with Maria and Pol (tía y primo) and I skipped coffee and went to bed. The paella was good, it was different, more like soup which they eat a lot of here but good. The prawns were a bit scary for me though, absolutely massive with everything still attached, I didn't realise I was squeamish but their huge shrimpy body parts freaked me out a bit. I ate them though (well done me).

I felt a bit bad about going to sleep and I was not expecting a full house when I woke up! I'd heard a few voices but i didnt know another 6 people had been visiting and waking up just as everyone was leaving was so embarrassing.

Monday

Went to the library with MF which was needed because I'd not been study my classes as much as I needed to. Well, the library is actually closed Monday mornings but there was another place open, the cultural centre, where there are study spaces and WiFi. MF was reading a classic and helped me with some stuff I wasn't sure about, then I picked up the kids and their friends from school and as far as I remember, nothing too eventful happened that day. Class is still going too fast for me but I can catch up with some studying.

Tuesday

Made the most of my afternoon off by going to Lleida, though I was so shattered I thought about leaving it. I went with Jan and Abril´s dad, also Jordi (it´s the Catalan equivalent of George and San Jordi (St George) is the region´s patron saint, did I say that?), who works in the city and kindly offered me and lift there and back, any time. We spoke Spanish on the journey there and English on the way back which was all very nice, he told helped me navigate my way around the city and said I could call him if I needed anything (n´aww).

So, I'd had the same problem as when I was trying to find a black hair shop in Valencia - searching for them on Google is useless because you end up at your destination but the shop doesn't exist whether you type in ´black hair shop´, ´afro hair shop´,´tienda africana´or anything basically. After having this happen twice, I got desperate and walked along the main shopping street. Then I spotted a black woman with gorgeous brown twists and begged her, "Por favor, señora, sabe usted donde queda una tienda un que puedo comprar extensiones para mi pelo?!?!?!?!" (If it was in English I would´ve said "Please, Aunty, do you know where I can buy hair extensions?") Turns out her Spanish isn´t that great but her husband explained what I was bothering them for and she called her Aunty who directed me to her shop. We spoke in English for a bit, then they went about their business and I tried to follow the directions I´d been given. Eventually I called Aunty with the shop back and asked her to send me the location so I could use Google Maps. That took a little while, but lucky I´d only gone 5 minutes past the shop.

So, she was waiting outside the shop which was the only reason I knew I was going to the right place. From the outside, all you can see are freezers (full of fish) and rows of seasoning (I was tempted). Once inside, she bent down to a box of a variety of extensions and tried to convince me to take the purple ones but that was a big NOPE. I also bought some Vaseline which worked overnight on my cracked lips (Carmex, Lidl lipbalm, coconut oil, you can all shove it!) but it pained me that a small tub was 5€. Oil sheen spray was also 6€ but she gave me the flat, expired since July 2015 ginger beer for free (lucky me.)

After all that, I decided to get back to my tourist roots and do some sightseeing:

Then I made the most of the shopping district and hit Tiger for some hair tools, slippers and fudge and saved my last 10€ so that I´d be able to buy something in the cafe where I had to wait for Jordi. On my way there I spotted the library and figured this was the perfect place to have a break from wandering around. After informing the attendant (who honestly didn´t give a shit) that I can´t read Catalan and need some basic Spanish books pls, I found the language section she´d directed me to and picked up the first book I saw. It was a bit strange, an old man that looks a bit younger falling in love with a 19 year old and the town gossiping about it, even though she wasn´t interested. I also had to define every other word, despite the glossary so it wasn´t as relaxing as I thought it would be. The library was pretty lovely anyway and was actually silent, not like the ones we have in London. True, there were at least 3 floors and the children´s section was seperate, but there were no kids running around screaming either, so it was a nice change.

Once I got home I started my hair and realised that I really didn´t want to explain the ´here´s my afro, now here´s my braids´ thing to everyone in town, so I took out a section of braids, then redid them with the new extensions. Think what you will!

Wednesday

Went to Jan and Abril´s for lunch and still have their mum´s cardigan because it was a bit chilly inside and I was trying to give it back all week but it´s still here. Basketball was cancelled which was a shame but also good because I was tired and needed to do more of my hair. Am I obsessed with my hair? No. But it takes ages trying to live life and do it yourself. I think this was the day when Natalia helped me with it, which was sweet and I was surprised she knew how to do it, but she´d had braids in her crazy 20s too.

Thursday

Finished my hair just in time for school. Went to school and got asked on a playdate which may or may not happen on Tuesday but it´d be cool if it did. The guy who always tells me it´s alright if I want to go into class now (the door is always shut) made a joke with me. I think I have fans now.

Friday

I think the kids and I continued our amazingly silly story on Thursday and started it on Tuesday when they were bored and being fussy at lunch. Susana´s idea, but who knew it was going to get so dark. I won´t reveal it all until it´s finished, but an elephant steps on a kid playing football and a dog eats a cat and they both die so it´s all about wow kids, some active imaginations you got there! In the evening, Roger was very good at drawing it on the story boards I´d printed out but Gina was having none of it (or anything, tbh.) Eventually she got interested in drawing and was also very good at it, but I had to sit at the dining table and do my make up ready to go out because we hadn´t finished when I´d planned and she needed help with the English subheadings.

Then it was time for coffee-not-date which I´d got a bit overexcited about seeing as there was actually not even a hint of it being a date and it was not a date in any form. Still, I put on a pretty grey skirt and borrowed a necklace from Susana (I picked one I was unlikely to break while I was paralytic off beer and that matched my simple outfit) and went to the same bar as last week. We chatted for a bit, my hair was mentioned in a wow you changed your hair, do you do it often? kind of way and eventually race came up. I did say that I didn´t wanna talk about it at all, then I heard him out and his pleas to be educated seeing as he´s more aware and concious of his own unintentional racism now, so I simply said that I was sure we´d learn a lot from each other. Honestly I´d rather just avoid the topic completely, but this is what comes with being a WoC (woman of colour) in this day and age.

Eventually London Girl joined us, then his mate from Barcelona and eventually MF joined us too (but she spent most of the time speaking to her favourite admirer which I will not forgive her for ever, this might even be worse than the olive thing). After a while they all left except for MF and after an hour of talking to her friend and his friend, I convinced her that midnight was a good time to get pizza, not go home. So we ate pizza and had a pretty fun time in Sulk Bar, especially because the bar staff also push this one boy to talk to me in English and it´s terrible, he ended up telling me ´good morning!´as I left. I also wouldn´t let him take my plate away for ages because I was undecided on the crusts and put half the pizza in my bag, in some tissue (LOL pls desperation) and apparently this was very embarrassing for MF (dunno why) but luckily I was extremely subtle and no one in that bar will ever know.

Part two to come and then you´ll get your Here vs There post! xx

Au Pair Experience Días 18 and 19

QOTD: nunca te acostarás sin saber una cosa más. MF taught me this on Friday and I forgot to add it. It's the Spanish equivalent of 'you learn something new every day' and it's completely true. Every day I learn words, stuff about my host family, stuff about Spain and about myself too. This experience has gone so well so far that I've decided to come back in April, after working a bit and my holiday to Amsterdam (eeee so excited!) 

Monday: 

Monday was haaaard because of the crazy weekend but back to business as usual with the kids and classes. Apparently booking a £500 hotel for your family isn't a good idea because they're just gonna make you refund it. Jacuzzis aren't necessary when visiting Barcelona because you're just gonna be roaming the streets all day eating tapas and taking pictures. Hmph. My mum and brother visit in 2 weeks and I can´t wait to see them! I might end up roaming Nou Camp with my brother for a few hours but I guess that´s the price to pay when you´ll be in the same city as the best football club in the world (Catalonians, love me please.)

Gina and I made a Victoria Sponge cake and Roger helped add the jam once it was time to eat it. Jordi and Susana helped me with using the oven and finding a cake tin, and also taking it out at the end because I had class. I was 10 minutes late but class hadn´t even started and we finished early so I know not to worry about it next time. Anyway, the cake was a great success and it got me and Gina talking together in English without her having to feel pressured or shy. She was great at mixing everything, very careful and even managed to crack an egg into a bowl! It was so sweet.

We´ll have to cook some more because I think it´s the best way I can share British culture (because who wants to talk about colonialism and elitism all day ahahahaha). We´ll probably end up making curry, seeing as I don´t like mash or gravy and that´s the staple of so many British dishes. Maybe I´ll start playing some British music too, but they already know about that. Jordi´s a big Dire Straits fan (yes they´re a British band, apparently, if you´re reading this and under 40) and Ed Sheeran´s on their summer car playlist so other than endless Spice Girls karaoke sessions I´m not sure what else I can do!

Tuesday:

I was early for something! I'd arranged an intercambio (language exchange) with one of the members of staff at my school and she refuses to send me a message on my mobile even though she has my number. Maybe she thinks it's unprofessional but it's worse having to go through someone else to confirm that we were meant to meet at 11, not 10. 

Anyway, I went home and put some washing on and then ventured out again to meet at 11. We went to the café where Susana and Jordi's friend works and I felt super cool knowing someone else in town and recommending somewhere to have coffee (theirs is the best). We spoke Spanish quite well, I felt quite competent for once at expressing myself and making a couple of awful jokes. She also taught me some useful words and was just generally nice to be around. Then we switched to English and she was a bit shy like a lot of people seem to be here and I think she understood most things but there was a permanent look of confusion on her face. When MF arrived to join us, she ended up translating some things into Catalan which made me feel like I was talking gibberish or something.

But no, in the end she noticed that there was a lot of confusion as well with some simple things so it wasn´t anything to do with me, just a case of needing to practise more. Like when I tried to explain that my friend from the Chino works at the front of the shop, she thought I meant outside at the front (on the pavement? in the road?) and nothing I could say made it any clearer for her, so MF translated and eventually it made sense. I liked the whole thing though. I don´t normally hang out with people older than me, especially if their older than my mum like this particular member of staff, but she was just really nice and enthusiastic and I guess being bombarded with English just tired her out.

This was also the day when Susana got mixed up and said, "Are you welcome?" instead of, "You´re welcome!" It was so funny, she caught herself but we´ve been laughing about it all week. Like I dunno if I´m welcome, that´s for you to decide! Languages are so funny sometimes.

It was a normal evening, we chilled on the sofa and did some practise for Gina´s English test, played some games and talked. Dinner was nice and then my worst nightmare happened (though it turned out not to be that bad) - Jordi mentioned that they´d read about me having CFS. Now, I call this my worst nightmare because I hadn´t told them about it. I think I was a bit scared of being rejected because I get tired a lot and maybe I wouldn´t have been the active member of the family that they wanted. Seemingly I have been, they´ve liked my attitude like I´ve said before and I haven´t had any complaints (touchwood!). I just didn´t want to be defined by my illness in the slightest. I´ve changed so much from last year that I just didn´t want to think about it anymore.I´m managing things by myself and with the support of close people around me. But anyway, they didn´t mind, didn´t ask many questions and I explained a bit but I don´t think it changes anything. We just spoke a lot in Spanish about some other stuff and I put myself to bed.

Theeeeen I checked my phone and realised I was meant to be walking with MF instead of freaking out for no reason. So we decided to have a late walk and stayed out for a couple of hours chatting and laughing (she has some amazing stories). One thing we couldn´t do, apparently, was link arms (even though it was freezing) because if you do that, not only does every guy in every car stare at you in a really obvious and intense way but you´re also in danger of harming her prestigous position in the community. Linking arms is basically like telling everyone you´re gay and unfortunately, people here can be really closed-minded to that. Still, when no one was around, we managed to sneak a link like we were in super modern, everything goes, London.

Mushrooms and Abuelos (Au Pair Experience, Día Dos, Part Two)

Spanglish is my favourite language right now. So many Spanglish conversations, so little concentration...

So yes this is part dos of my second day blogging effort. I'm going to do a list thing for ease and... Ease. (It's late and I should be asleep.) Today was another jam-packed day...

1. Woke up. Showered upstairs. Missed R's football match. Family came back just before I'd brushed my teeth. Greeted everyone with bad breath and a toothbrush
2. Ate breakfast. Had a café solo (an espresso, bit bigger than those shot things from Costa). Coffee was not enough. Biscuit. Tried to figure out if grúa and crane are the same thing with host mum plus lots of confusion (they are).  No time for make up before we leave (¡qué horror!)
3. Walk around town. Through market. See police and ask why they're directing traffic. See more police and ask if I need my passport (no). Walk up this hill to a historic wall that was built to keep the Moors out. Walk up about 5 million stairs to get great views of town: 
   
4. Didn't pass out but might. Walk up more steps to visit church. Humbled so no pics inside. Try not to lose my hat in the wind. Walk down 500 steps to a regenerated part of town that was never finished because the money ran out. La vida es dura 
5. Family lunch. Abuelo, abuela, tia, primo and the family I'm staying with. Abuelo is deaf but impressed with my Spanish (related?). Abuelo speaks too fast. Cosy fire. Good food except the aubergines that taste like cigarettes (still finished it but never trying it again) 
   
6. Get asked my political opinion(!!) on the EU in/out referendum for the UK. Explain that our government gives no fucks about human rights or other people so we should stay in but yes the Euro is shit. Approving nods once I got it all out
7. Abuela asks about my hair. I explain in DETAIL. Ask if I can touch her hair. Yes. Try to undo her hair. No. Oops.
8. Go mushroom picking in the forest with tia and the kids. Find two edible mushrooms.
   
   Walk around with sticks like we're Gandalf.  Surprise pig farm. Host dad owns it. Permanent confusion on my face. Pigs are cute but smell awful. Lovely day with host family. Feel at home if a little overwhelmed.
9. Supermarket. Discreetly purchase lady things (tampons, pads, perfume, hand cream - not sure if allergic to soap or water but need to cream my hands every time I wash them!) with host mum and G while R asks me what type of soy milk I like (?? Soy? Clasíco? Normal?)
10. Home. Wait ages for dinner. It's Saturday. 10pm. Nice spread, another family almost clones of my host family but more fluency in English. G has a stomach ache. We eat. I have dessert with the grown ups (cheese and this kind of pear jam) and try not to be drunk off a finger of red wine. Play games with children. Decline gin and tonic offer. Bid all goodnight
11. Call mummy for an hour. Happy. Recommends I go to doctor about intense ear head and neck pains when landing plane. Love is shared. Life is the same at home. Should've bought more cat litter before I left not just ordered it from Amazon. Tesco isn't far!

Until next time chicos,

Antonia xx

Tis The Season to be Exhausted Falalafucklalala

Totally in the Christmas spirit as you can see.

As of yet I haven't bought my mum a Christmas present (I don't think she reads this, God help me if she does) and my brother's is on hold because I'm helping him out with his car insurance (yeah, I'm the best big sister ever.) My aunties have the same presents and I know they're gonna discuss it and I'm gonna be the worst niece ever but I got my cousin something she'll love (no giveaways) and I bought that in September so I have something to be proud of!

Aside from presents I'm working non-stop until Christmas Eve which is going to make Christmas Day excruciating as I'll want it to be a rest day but it's the most wonderful time of the year! No? Picking family members up, entertaining them and then dropping them home is going to be anxiety-inducing and just plain tiring but hey-ho at least I expect it. Boxing Day is more family time and I'll be avoiding the shops with such determined passion it'll be like I hate capitalism or something! :D

I have a week off where I'm gonna try and catch my friends who are back from Canada and Spain (but not Nigeria) before working again and then packing for my Spanish au pair experience woop woop! I just feel like everyone wants a piece of me and I have nothing to give. Honestly I need to do some serious planning, pacing and sleeping for that to go well. Life is going good at the moment and I'd like it to stay that way. Also got to remember to lay off the sugar as my energy dips but that's one of my biggest weaknesses! (Tip: Regularly drinking green tea reduces bloating!)

Also my kitten is really demanding at the moment it's a bit weird idk.

So to everyone, look out for your exhausted friends and family members, and spare a thought for those who can't keep up whether it's financially, physically or emotionally.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all, though I may or may not see you before then.

Love and hugs xxx

Chronic Fatigue is Chronic

Well today was fun.

I had zero energy and dragged myself into work (late of course), then proceeded to interact with customers like I cared and colleagues trying not to bring the mood down. I like where I work, I just hate getting out of bed for it.

My moods go up and down a lot, but when I'm exhausted like I have been lately, it feels impossible to function. Standing up feels like a chore, as does sitting down, as does anything except being horizontal, somewhere soft. Even trying to get to sleep is draining, I'm often in pain and in the silence and darkness that I need to get to sleep, nothing can distract me from the sort of low, menacing throb in my bones.

Still, I can be a little bit proud of myself as I went to the gym after work and walked home. I felt immediately better after my work out, despite being a sweaty mess, and the only downside was that the gym was pretty busy so I didn't feel confident enough doing my stretches down there and went somewhere private. Silly really, but that's what my mind does sometimes.

Right now I'm absolutely exhausted again. The endorphins must have worn off but I guess it doesn't help being in bed. Being tired all the time is such a Catch 22, sometimes it feels like I'll never escape it and nothing will make me feel any better. But I'm hoping this is just a bad patch after overdoing it (how idk, by living maybe) and getting multiple cold/flu things that I can't shake off. Hopefully I can keep sleeping better and my body will find the strength to function properly.

Until then it's resting bitch face, constant yawning and a lot of willpower.

Kisses,
Antonia

Chronic Fatigue

This is a post for me to write and even if I publish it I may not promote it. Having a chronic condition is not only debilitating but extremely personal. I'm lucky in a sense because my symptoms are mild and sometimes I can forget I'm ill at all. I've also been able to achieve some things that anyone would be proud of. Hopefully you can gain some kind of understanding of this condition and other invisible disabilities.

*TW: suicidal thoughts*

I have chronic fatigue syndrome or myalgic encephalomyelitis (not that I ever bother trying to remember that) and I hate it. It's also called CFS or ME (which is confusing for so many reasons and is definitely not MS) and I usually alternate between calling it chronic fatigue and ME.

What is it?

Before I explain why I hate it, I'd better explain what it actually is. Simply, it's a condition where you're constantly exhausted and you are not refreshed by sleep (sleep doesn't make me feel any less tired, let that sink in for a second). That means it's not a case of needing a nap (a lot of the time they just make me feel worse, in fact I struggle to get to sleep in the first place) but it's a chronic condition that leaves me feeling drained... permanently. There are also other symptoms like muscle aches, headaches and migraines, photo-sensitivity, memory loss, poor concentration and a whole host of other symptoms which you can read about here.

There is also no cure. No cure for a disease that makes me feel like an old woman at 20 (and has done since 16). The summer after GCSEs I started to become really tired all the time, taking frequent naps which was completely out of character for me so that's when we say the symptoms started to manifest.

It's way more than sleep!

I struggle with it for a lot of reasons. It's been hard to separate the ME from me and who I am because having a chronic condition creates a new you. My moods are different, my levels of tolerance for things that annoy me are different, I can't concentrate on anything like I used to (and that makes it really hard just to watch a movie with your friend). I have anxiety and depression from it which makes things like social interaction and going to work really hard (not great when you're a university student with no financial safety-net). I over-think everything and quite often have suicidal thoughts (though not intentions) when I'm feeling low. My immune system is also shit so colds linger which really doesn't make me any more productive.

I try to be sociable, friendly and approachable and I feel I struggle with that too. Some days I have energy and I tend to overcompensate for the days when I didn't, which can make me seem hyper, clingy, desperate and probably really annoying (I even slapped a guy in the face once, banter gone hella wrong). I find I'm always apologising for my bad temper, some of which needs more mindfulness on my part and a significant amount which comes from being too tired to function, let alone consider other people's feelings. I've clashed with my whole family over it, from falling behind with chores, to visiting my grandparents, to taking a gap year. Yet they've still been an amazing support, as have the friends who understand me, or just like me for who I am.

It makes it hard for me to see the kind of future I want for myself as attainable. How can be expected to work a full-time job? I worry about every trip I make and have to plan ahead to ensure I'll have enough energy for it. It makes it so that I want to go home early or stay another night at a friend's because I can't face the long journey home. Travelling wears me out, cooking, working, doing nothing, let alone exercise (I was lucky before but now I've started putting on a ton of weight). Symptoms are worse on bad days and I've become better at managing them, along with finding a medication which works for me, for the most part. I've also gotten a bit better at self-love, though pacing is still quite hard.

Over to you...

That's it for now though. CFS is like... my whole life, so I'll definitely have more to say about it. Leave your comments with your own experiences and any questions below, if you want to.

You can learn about how hard it is to ration energy when you're trying to lead a normal life here (Christine Miserandino's Spoon Theory).

Everyday Feminism has some great insight into invisible disabilities here. The first article is so relatable for me and must be for so many other people!

Thanks for reading!