Changing and Staying the Same

Hey guys,

Finally I'm feeling a bit more like I'm in the real world.

A lot of things are going round my head, mainly:

• Going to Spain
• Coming home
• Going to Spain again
• Going to uni
• Seeing people I haven't seen in a while
• Speaking to people I haven't seen in a while
• Work!

I used bullet points because all these things are in no particular order. They're all taking up the same amount of room in my head and it's hard to navigate each day when I'm counting down to the next event.

That's how I know I'm burnt out.

https://bornfreeexpress.files.wordpress.com/2015/05/anigif_enhanced-buzz-17302-1386183703-41.gif

For some reason this is a surprise for me, even though it's probably the most inevitable thing in my little life. I've not given myself a proper break, real solitude or spent a day doing nothing, which is what I need to recover from being busy. I'd be bored if I wasn't doing what I was doing, but I need to get back into my self-management routine ASAP Rocky.

Instead I'm working because you know, real life, and trying to sort out the mountains of junk I own (7 black eyeliners... really?!)

Changes:

• Cut off all my hair (you'll have to go to Instagram to see). Good because all positive responses, no more broken hair and minimal fuss in the morning
• Bobbi is sooo antisocial omg half the time I don't even know where she is. Growing up I guess.
• I'm trying to get rid off my stuff so here's a link if you want to buy anything (good to excellent condition, I swear) buy stuff pls

Sames:

• Everything? It's kind of the best and worst thing about being home

I'll have another blog post for you soon. I've been eating some of the food I brought back from Spain which is getting me in the mood for a long-awaited food post and I just registered my brother to vote in the EU referendum so I might actually have to come up for some reasons for us staying in.

Anyway, hope you're all splendid! Until next time xxx

Au Pair Experience Días 20 and 21

I'm gonna do a quick recap of Wednesday and Thursday then get on to Friday 😍.

Basketball was cancelled on Wednesday so that gave me some time to rest. Susana and I didn't really feel like going anyway so we all stayed in and watched the Barcelona match with pizza and salad. 

Thursday was still a big tired day. The kids played up a bit and I saw them properly get told off for the first time. Kids will be kids but it was pretty testing. Still, mummy was there so I didn't really have to do anything except keep trying to get them to engage in English. 

In the evening I was quite busy. I had an intercambio with a friend of the member of staff at my school and I'd rather not do it again. She was nice and everything, an English teacher herself and bought me a croissant and a coffee for my time. It's just that I struggled to get a word in edge ways. She was so over enthusiastic and I just don't think we were compatible even for something so simple because I just didn't have a good time with her. I learnt a lot and she did too but then she was determined to do it again, for longer, have me at her house and going for walks with her friend as well. Like, no? There's being nice and exchanging cultures and information and then there's pouncing on every au pair that comes to the area to practise your language skills with them. (She said she does this all the time). I might go next week just to speak English for a little while and then start saying no. The charm of being one of the only native English speakers for miles is beginning to wear off

I also had class which was the worst one yet, we just rushed through it and it was so confusing, I might actually have to study for more than an hour beforehand. (That hour has mainly consisted of photocopying anyway). After class I went to help another teacher in the school with their English class. It was quite fun, but not without controversy. For example, there was the guy who'd asked about my age and martial status beforehand and then asked me how much free time I had and whether I was interested in being paid to speak English with him *every day*. No words. Then there was the woman who asked me my political opinion on Catalonian independence, and Scottish independence and stupid controversial things which I answered very carefully but she'll take from it whatever she likes. Nothing else was that bad, I tried to make sure I got questions from everyone and everyone spoke to me  roughly the same amount. The confusion on people's faces when I spoke was a bit off-putting but it actually went well and everyone thanked me at the end and stuff. Then I got din dins with the teacher which was the best pizza *ever*. 

So I was in a bar when I checked my emails and found out I'm going to Santiago de Compostela for my year abroad (which starts in September!?) 

Most of you will know this already of course, but after the stress of the application I can hardly believe I actually got my first choice in the first round of applications. If it was that easy whyyyyy did I have to spend time on two more choices I didn't care about!? I guess it's easy to say when I got what I wanted but with the fact my degree is so weird and getting decent grades in first year, I was probably a high priority all along. I'm happy anyway, just have to start doing research and stuff to make it feel real. 

So, Friday is coming up next xxx

Au Pair Experience Días 18 and 19

QOTD: nunca te acostarás sin saber una cosa más. MF taught me this on Friday and I forgot to add it. It's the Spanish equivalent of 'you learn something new every day' and it's completely true. Every day I learn words, stuff about my host family, stuff about Spain and about myself too. This experience has gone so well so far that I've decided to come back in April, after working a bit and my holiday to Amsterdam (eeee so excited!) 

Monday: 

Monday was haaaard because of the crazy weekend but back to business as usual with the kids and classes. Apparently booking a £500 hotel for your family isn't a good idea because they're just gonna make you refund it. Jacuzzis aren't necessary when visiting Barcelona because you're just gonna be roaming the streets all day eating tapas and taking pictures. Hmph. My mum and brother visit in 2 weeks and I can´t wait to see them! I might end up roaming Nou Camp with my brother for a few hours but I guess that´s the price to pay when you´ll be in the same city as the best football club in the world (Catalonians, love me please.)

Gina and I made a Victoria Sponge cake and Roger helped add the jam once it was time to eat it. Jordi and Susana helped me with using the oven and finding a cake tin, and also taking it out at the end because I had class. I was 10 minutes late but class hadn´t even started and we finished early so I know not to worry about it next time. Anyway, the cake was a great success and it got me and Gina talking together in English without her having to feel pressured or shy. She was great at mixing everything, very careful and even managed to crack an egg into a bowl! It was so sweet.

We´ll have to cook some more because I think it´s the best way I can share British culture (because who wants to talk about colonialism and elitism all day ahahahaha). We´ll probably end up making curry, seeing as I don´t like mash or gravy and that´s the staple of so many British dishes. Maybe I´ll start playing some British music too, but they already know about that. Jordi´s a big Dire Straits fan (yes they´re a British band, apparently, if you´re reading this and under 40) and Ed Sheeran´s on their summer car playlist so other than endless Spice Girls karaoke sessions I´m not sure what else I can do!

Tuesday:

I was early for something! I'd arranged an intercambio (language exchange) with one of the members of staff at my school and she refuses to send me a message on my mobile even though she has my number. Maybe she thinks it's unprofessional but it's worse having to go through someone else to confirm that we were meant to meet at 11, not 10. 

Anyway, I went home and put some washing on and then ventured out again to meet at 11. We went to the café where Susana and Jordi's friend works and I felt super cool knowing someone else in town and recommending somewhere to have coffee (theirs is the best). We spoke Spanish quite well, I felt quite competent for once at expressing myself and making a couple of awful jokes. She also taught me some useful words and was just generally nice to be around. Then we switched to English and she was a bit shy like a lot of people seem to be here and I think she understood most things but there was a permanent look of confusion on her face. When MF arrived to join us, she ended up translating some things into Catalan which made me feel like I was talking gibberish or something.

But no, in the end she noticed that there was a lot of confusion as well with some simple things so it wasn´t anything to do with me, just a case of needing to practise more. Like when I tried to explain that my friend from the Chino works at the front of the shop, she thought I meant outside at the front (on the pavement? in the road?) and nothing I could say made it any clearer for her, so MF translated and eventually it made sense. I liked the whole thing though. I don´t normally hang out with people older than me, especially if their older than my mum like this particular member of staff, but she was just really nice and enthusiastic and I guess being bombarded with English just tired her out.

This was also the day when Susana got mixed up and said, "Are you welcome?" instead of, "You´re welcome!" It was so funny, she caught herself but we´ve been laughing about it all week. Like I dunno if I´m welcome, that´s for you to decide! Languages are so funny sometimes.

It was a normal evening, we chilled on the sofa and did some practise for Gina´s English test, played some games and talked. Dinner was nice and then my worst nightmare happened (though it turned out not to be that bad) - Jordi mentioned that they´d read about me having CFS. Now, I call this my worst nightmare because I hadn´t told them about it. I think I was a bit scared of being rejected because I get tired a lot and maybe I wouldn´t have been the active member of the family that they wanted. Seemingly I have been, they´ve liked my attitude like I´ve said before and I haven´t had any complaints (touchwood!). I just didn´t want to be defined by my illness in the slightest. I´ve changed so much from last year that I just didn´t want to think about it anymore.I´m managing things by myself and with the support of close people around me. But anyway, they didn´t mind, didn´t ask many questions and I explained a bit but I don´t think it changes anything. We just spoke a lot in Spanish about some other stuff and I put myself to bed.

Theeeeen I checked my phone and realised I was meant to be walking with MF instead of freaking out for no reason. So we decided to have a late walk and stayed out for a couple of hours chatting and laughing (she has some amazing stories). One thing we couldn´t do, apparently, was link arms (even though it was freezing) because if you do that, not only does every guy in every car stare at you in a really obvious and intense way but you´re also in danger of harming her prestigous position in the community. Linking arms is basically like telling everyone you´re gay and unfortunately, people here can be really closed-minded to that. Still, when no one was around, we managed to sneak a link like we were in super modern, everything goes, London.

Broken nails and positivity (Au Pair Experience Días 13 and 14)

Feeling a bit eh today. I guess it's always going to be the same after exerting myself at basketball but I've not had time to expect it before now.

Yesterday:

Yesterday was good if a little painful! Somehow I forgot that sport and long nails don't go together and managed to catch the ball right on my little fingernail, completely break it and end up with a swollen finger to boot. I milked it a little (got out of running for about two minutes) but it actually did hurt! I can move it and stuff but it's been a long time since I've hurt myself that way and put me off a bit. Still I kept playing and played a match on the full pitch as well I'm which I scored a great goal or whatever (I'm forgetting some English and I wasn't great on basketball terminology anyway) plus blocked an important pass from the other side too.

The mystery Irish girl was there finally, but of course I had to go and say I thought she was Norwegian as soon as she opened her mouth. Maybe that's why she didn't seem too eager to text me after. That and her iPhone needs unlocking but hello WiFi? We'll see, she seems nice anyway. Also the coach, Carme is so sweet loool. I love her and I think the language barrier has actually helped us bond. She always explains things in Castilian Spanish for me and cheers me on when I look like I'm gonna fall over from running. She's cheeky though, a proper character. The mums are all nice too, can't remember all their names but they're good sports and patient and stuff. Apparently they couldn't believe that I'd plaited my hair by myself (so needs redoing now though, could've done without the attention!) and Carme suggested I start a business lol. I think people would rather not pay €40/50 for me to take a whole day doing their hair but if anyone does feel free to drop me a message!

It was also Abril's birthday so Happy Birthday Abril! If I haven't said before she's Gina's twin from another mother and comes to lunch with her brother Jan on Mondays, then me, Gina and Roger go to theirs on Wednesdays. We had ice cream cake with 8 little candles, it was so cute. Made me feel super old though! I remember my 8th birthday was amazing, a trip to the London Eye, new jeans that I tried to keep until I was 13 (and a size 10) and lunchables in the car. Can every child enjoy their youth please? Thanks.

Today:

So today I had plans to go for a drink with another British girl here and didn't decide to check my phone until I'd gotten ready to leave, a good 5 hours after she'd texted me to reschedule. Oh well, that's a normal thing and things don't magically go well just because you're in another country.

So to cheer myself up I got another sandwich and coffee but this time at a different cafe. It might become my favourite because it's right by the river and the coffee's cheaper but it's on the other side to the main bit of town. Not even a 5 minute walk. I dunno I'll weigh up the pros and cons when I'm out and need coffee like most people do.

I'm writing this post sitting outside it but I'll have to finish off at home because I've got school at 6 and should show you all the English work we've got hanging up in the kitchen.

I'm going to try to take a different approach to Roger. He's really excitable and that's actually a really good thing so I need to make an effort to channel it into our time together. Be entertained by it even when it's annoying kind of thing. I'm not a nanny to be worried about discipline and if he gets over excited I can just give him a time out like yesterday (he sat on the stairs for a minute and was much calmer when he came back, for a little while.) If I need to give instructions I can do so in Spanish and translate after. I also have to be prepared to work a little for the kids' attention. This is a learning experience for me as much as them. He's gotta stop kicking me under the table though lol. After the third time I'm like can you not feel my great hefty leg? Try harder bubs. And sit properly ;)

So now to get ready for school and I'll tell you all about it after.

Later:

School was fine. The secretary asked me to do a language exchange with her next week which was nice and the girl who gave me her book dropped me off to meet my host family. Unfortunately she doesn't have time for anything more than our classmate relationship but it's fine because I have something to look forward to at school. Someone asked me a question for their English work (in case you didn't know, the opposite to the most dangerous is the safest) and my teacher was pleased enough with my summary of a Spanish newspaper article.  No one seems to care too much that I haven't registered though lol. 

Saw this on the way to school. For now, Catalunya is Spain. People write graffiti in English so that the whole world understands. It's so interesting to me because of the political situation in Catalunya. I live with a family who want the region's independence but aren't fanatical about it. If it happens it happens and they think it would be better for Catalunya. There are quite a few Catalan flags around, walk down any street and you'll see some. There's just one street where I've seen a Spanish flag and it really sticks out, which is probably the point. But it's not something that anyone's mentioned, there's graffiti everywhere but no one minds if I speak Castillian Spanish or anything like that. Maybe in other towns, I'm not sure. 

Did some English study with Roger for a test he has. He knows a lot and he's a good student so I'm sure he'll do really well!

Tis The Season to be Exhausted Falalafucklalala

Totally in the Christmas spirit as you can see.

As of yet I haven't bought my mum a Christmas present (I don't think she reads this, God help me if she does) and my brother's is on hold because I'm helping him out with his car insurance (yeah, I'm the best big sister ever.) My aunties have the same presents and I know they're gonna discuss it and I'm gonna be the worst niece ever but I got my cousin something she'll love (no giveaways) and I bought that in September so I have something to be proud of!

Aside from presents I'm working non-stop until Christmas Eve which is going to make Christmas Day excruciating as I'll want it to be a rest day but it's the most wonderful time of the year! No? Picking family members up, entertaining them and then dropping them home is going to be anxiety-inducing and just plain tiring but hey-ho at least I expect it. Boxing Day is more family time and I'll be avoiding the shops with such determined passion it'll be like I hate capitalism or something! :D

I have a week off where I'm gonna try and catch my friends who are back from Canada and Spain (but not Nigeria) before working again and then packing for my Spanish au pair experience woop woop! I just feel like everyone wants a piece of me and I have nothing to give. Honestly I need to do some serious planning, pacing and sleeping for that to go well. Life is going good at the moment and I'd like it to stay that way. Also got to remember to lay off the sugar as my energy dips but that's one of my biggest weaknesses! (Tip: Regularly drinking green tea reduces bloating!)

Also my kitten is really demanding at the moment it's a bit weird idk.

So to everyone, look out for your exhausted friends and family members, and spare a thought for those who can't keep up whether it's financially, physically or emotionally.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all, though I may or may not see you before then.

Love and hugs xxx

Nearly there

I'm almost ready to publish my first book review!

I'd love for you guys to get involved, give me feedback on what I've written and let me know what you think of the book!

I'm also planning to write a piece on the recent attacks in Paris and the general state of the world, biased Western media and disregard for black and brown lives.

Until then, my thoughts are with victims of terror globally. Peace be with you all.

Kisses,
Antonia

(Image from: http://uthmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/o-STACK-OF-BOOKS-facebook.jpg)

Chronic Fatigue

This is a post for me to write and even if I publish it I may not promote it. Having a chronic condition is not only debilitating but extremely personal. I'm lucky in a sense because my symptoms are mild and sometimes I can forget I'm ill at all. I've also been able to achieve some things that anyone would be proud of. Hopefully you can gain some kind of understanding of this condition and other invisible disabilities.

*TW: suicidal thoughts*

I have chronic fatigue syndrome or myalgic encephalomyelitis (not that I ever bother trying to remember that) and I hate it. It's also called CFS or ME (which is confusing for so many reasons and is definitely not MS) and I usually alternate between calling it chronic fatigue and ME.

What is it?

Before I explain why I hate it, I'd better explain what it actually is. Simply, it's a condition where you're constantly exhausted and you are not refreshed by sleep (sleep doesn't make me feel any less tired, let that sink in for a second). That means it's not a case of needing a nap (a lot of the time they just make me feel worse, in fact I struggle to get to sleep in the first place) but it's a chronic condition that leaves me feeling drained... permanently. There are also other symptoms like muscle aches, headaches and migraines, photo-sensitivity, memory loss, poor concentration and a whole host of other symptoms which you can read about here.

There is also no cure. No cure for a disease that makes me feel like an old woman at 20 (and has done since 16). The summer after GCSEs I started to become really tired all the time, taking frequent naps which was completely out of character for me so that's when we say the symptoms started to manifest.

It's way more than sleep!

I struggle with it for a lot of reasons. It's been hard to separate the ME from me and who I am because having a chronic condition creates a new you. My moods are different, my levels of tolerance for things that annoy me are different, I can't concentrate on anything like I used to (and that makes it really hard just to watch a movie with your friend). I have anxiety and depression from it which makes things like social interaction and going to work really hard (not great when you're a university student with no financial safety-net). I over-think everything and quite often have suicidal thoughts (though not intentions) when I'm feeling low. My immune system is also shit so colds linger which really doesn't make me any more productive.

I try to be sociable, friendly and approachable and I feel I struggle with that too. Some days I have energy and I tend to overcompensate for the days when I didn't, which can make me seem hyper, clingy, desperate and probably really annoying (I even slapped a guy in the face once, banter gone hella wrong). I find I'm always apologising for my bad temper, some of which needs more mindfulness on my part and a significant amount which comes from being too tired to function, let alone consider other people's feelings. I've clashed with my whole family over it, from falling behind with chores, to visiting my grandparents, to taking a gap year. Yet they've still been an amazing support, as have the friends who understand me, or just like me for who I am.

It makes it hard for me to see the kind of future I want for myself as attainable. How can be expected to work a full-time job? I worry about every trip I make and have to plan ahead to ensure I'll have enough energy for it. It makes it so that I want to go home early or stay another night at a friend's because I can't face the long journey home. Travelling wears me out, cooking, working, doing nothing, let alone exercise (I was lucky before but now I've started putting on a ton of weight). Symptoms are worse on bad days and I've become better at managing them, along with finding a medication which works for me, for the most part. I've also gotten a bit better at self-love, though pacing is still quite hard.

Over to you...

That's it for now though. CFS is like... my whole life, so I'll definitely have more to say about it. Leave your comments with your own experiences and any questions below, if you want to.

You can learn about how hard it is to ration energy when you're trying to lead a normal life here (Christine Miserandino's Spoon Theory).

Everyday Feminism has some great insight into invisible disabilities here. The first article is so relatable for me and must be for so many other people!

Thanks for reading!

When it's easier to be a feminist in winter

Sun on my skin,

Wind through my hair

💁🏾☀️💨

Forgot to shave my underarms...

Fuck.

Family Matters

Every so often I get an unexpected reminder about the importance of family. On this particular occasion I was reminded when my aunt went to hospital and for whatever reason, no one on my side of the family visited her. She was only there for a few days and wasn't seriously ill, but chest pains and blood clots are scary enough.

So today we visited her. Two things happened. One, someone who is not my mum or a friend actually admitted that my dad could have done better with my brother and I. He missed out on both our childhoods by not fulfilling the basic responsibilities of a parent. He had the potential to be everything we needed in a dad and somehow he went down a path of selfishness and distance, not extremely so, but enough that our father's home has almost never been our home.

The second thing is that I realised how important it is to be around your family. This particular aunt always used to go on and on about going to see her and how much she misses my brother and I, but I could never find an excuse to go and see her. I've struggled with myself quite a bit as a teenager and I was more than happy to focus on myself and who I wanted to be and too easily forgot about my family. I was also too easily persuaded by some negativity around me not to bother going round because my aunty never bothered to pick me up instead of getting the bus.

My brother though, he's different. As my aunt pointed out, he picked himself up and visited her for no particular reason on his own accord. (He does the same with my granddad now, visiting him weekly which I never did with either grandparent while I was at home.) Looking back, getting the bus wasn't even a big deal. One bus and free travel, who cares if she has a car? My aunt thanked my brother for doing that and said she'll remember it until she dies. This made me emotional (a lot of things do). Why couldn't I be like that?

The older generations in my family are old. There'll be a time when they're not around any more and while I've known them (i.e. forever) all they've done is love and support me. Even the younger generation isn't safe from death, though it's unlikely. What if my aunt had been admitted into hospital and it had been more serious and she'd gone thinking I hadn't cared enough to visit her?

I don't think I'm the only one who's strayed away from family. The sentiment here is to love as you've been loved. To judge a person as they've shown themselves to you and not based on what others say about them. To remember your family while you're off living your life. A short phone call once in a while is enough to say, "Hey Aunty, I've been thinking about you, you matter to me."

With many thanks to a special friend who really doesn't care about me giving her credit for her feedback and encouragement, but you can have it anyway <3